letter to Santa
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties.
I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call
for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell
it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead
at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks
3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped
out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once
he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal
Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle
of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!
Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself
a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Ken's letter to Santa